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04.04.2001 Entry: "Nothing to do with my maturity."

Chandra called me today at work to ask me something about her insurance card. I haven’t seen her for about a month and hadn’t even spoken with her in three weeks. Everyone I know says you’ll get over it in time but I have to disagree. There are so many things I will never get over; my self-esteem will never be as it was before. I will never feel good enough for any girl. If I did the fear of her leaving me would push me away.

She knows I am miserable and I think she enjoys knowing that it is her that makes my pain intensify. I don’t really know what hurts the most. But what really hurts is that she is happy with her new life and acts like nothing really happened. Just today she told me the reason why I am still sad is because I am immature. That If I was not such a child I would be over all of this. I look at it this way and truly believe that love never dies. How can someone even compare my emotions to my maturity? I agree I act like a little kid but that is the way I keep my sanity. It has nothing to do with my maturity.

I go to work everyday and hide these feelings all behind a shining smile. Most people would say I am one of the happiest people they know. One lady at work even calls me Mr. Sunshine. I really don’t know why I always smile but I just do. Even when I have those long talks with my mom I end up laughing and grinning while the tears come rolling down. What is really weird is how I can’t even look at someone in the eyes with out getting a big goofy grin on my face. Well my day at work is just about over and I’m ready to go home = )