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04.19.2001 Entry: "The Letter"

After backing up my computer (getting ready for the big upgrade, Win2k) I found a letter that I wrote to Chandra right after she moved out with Christian. It was at a time when I was blaming myself for everything. I’ve realized over the months now that it really wasn’t me that did everything wrong. I was just with someone that was so controlling that I took the blame for everything. Someone that made me feel it was always my fault when really I did nothing wrong. I’ve learnt that people are what they believe. When you’re with someone that tells you everyday that you’re a loser and you’re fat, you tend to believe it. I guess I’m one of those people that easily believes what people tell me. I don’t think I’ll ever get over my complex of feeling fat.

I’m not really sure why I am even adding this on my site. I just know this letter means a lot to me for some reason. Maybe its because I cried more tears than ever before when writing it. Maybe its because this letter was the last apology I gave Chandra before trying to take my own life. Maybe it was the rejection I felt after she read it. She read the letter then giving it back to me saying, "You keep so you remind myself how much a failure you are." After hearing those words I made a decision and tried to end it all. That decision right there was the stupidest decision I have ever made and I’ve learnt greatly from that mistake.

*Start of The Letter*


August 17, 2000

Chandra,

I don’t even know where to start. I guess I should start by saying how very sorry I am for treating you the way I have. I haven’t taken the time to ever tell you how much I appreciate you and all that you have done for me. You’ve been the best girlfriend and the greatest wife a guy could have. You never did anything wrong and I always seemed to blame you. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me and I thank you for that. I never realized how much you loved me until I found Andy (your diary.) I found it when I was cleaning up in our room along with all the letters we wrote to each other. We really had something special and I’m the one to blame. It kills me inside reading your diary, realizing that I treated you so badly. I’m so sorry that I made your life even harder than it was. I had tears in my eyes the whole four hours it took me to read your diary and tears in my eyes just trying to write this apology to you.

I’m glad I got a chance to read your diary tonight, I laughed, I cried, and most of all I have regret for not treating you like the princess you are. You deserve the best and I support you 100% in anything that you do. Tonight brought back so many memories, sharing charming bonds and taking showers everyday, things that I almost forgotten. I can’t believe that we really went to taco bell almost everyday, we even went three times one day. You worked so hard to buy me everything when I should have been the one paying for you. If you ever need extra money I’ll take care of you because always took care of me. I never knew how special it was to you when we took walks because your family was fighting. We would always talk how it would be different when we had our family. I want to make things different and I’ll try my hardest to change.

It’s funny how we spent everyday with each other but that just didn’t seem to be enough. Almost everyday I would be mean to you and break your heart but you would always say it was your fault. Your self-esteem was low and it was me that was your sun and your rainy cloud too. We would always get in little fights but I always called you to say I love you. I really did love you and I always will, even though things have changed you will always be my love bug. You deserve the best in life and I’ll help you anyway that I can. If you need me to watch the kids so you can go out with friends or need me to coupon shop for you don’t hesitate to ask. You’ve done so much for me and this is the least I can do for you.

You wrote, "When we were waiting for my dad to pick us up. Brian and I started talking about getting married. It will be so fun to be married to Brian. At night that’s all I think about. Like when he comes home from work and kisses me and when we go to bed we can sleep and hold each other all night. It will be great. I’m so happy right now, I could just fly away." I read that could stop crying for ten minutes. It’s me that ruined our marriage and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. Maybe one day you will see that I’ve changed and we could start over. For now I know you will need your time and I’ll be here for you if you ever need me.

There are so many things I wish we had done. I really wish that we could have moved out together and lived on our own. Have another baby together, a baby brother for Chandler. Have a chance to have a real wedding now that I have a job. A chance to love you and only you for the rest of my life. Watch our kids succeed together. To grow old together and play with our grandchildren together. If I had just one wish it would be to go back into time and change, to never hurt you, and always be there for you, no matter what. Its funny how the little things in life, the things I look past everyday are the things I miss most right now. I really wish we could just take a long walk and catch up on things. There are just so many little things I want to apologize for.

Tonight there is one thing that I read that made me cry more than anything it is something you wrote in your diary on your sixteenth birthday. "I got an art kit from Brian. But the best present I got was being able to talk to Brian on the phone. I miss you Brian; I love you. Thank you so much for everything. My sixteenth birthday wish was to marry Brian and have a family and live happily ever after.&qout;Reading that just killed me inside, I so sorry Chandra for taking away your wish. I promise I’ll make it up to you somehow.

You had a hard life and a bad childhood and all you ever wanted was to have a loving family to call our own. We had that and I took it away from you, I regret it everyday, everyday¨ I really do feel bad for all the things I’ve done to you. You deserve so much and I’ll give you anything you need. I’m sorry for being selfish and always ignoring you. I just hope that one day you can forgive me. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what happens, always.

Your Love Bug and Husband,
-Brian

*End of The Letter*