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05.02.2001 Entry: "The animal that I fear"

Alone I sit here by candlelight frustrated to a point where I can’t even concentrate. Frustrated with myself because of this hate that I carry inside. I try so hard to let go of all these things that overwhelm my frail heart. For some reason I just can’t let go, and the pain traverses through me like a storm. Some days it’s calm and I don’t even notice and others it just tears me apart inside.

I just can’t let go of the fact that she cheated on me with my best friend. Every time I see her this uncontrollable rage builds-up inside of me. Having to use every bit of energy to discipline myself, I end up breaking down. For days I go into this deep depression and dwindle away in my own little world. I’m just afraid one day that discipline wont be there and I’ll become the animal that I fear.

I don’t remember ever having this much hate in me before. Maybe it’s just I was never really wronged before. What I do know is that this hate is like a disease taking over and destroying everything in its path. I know that this is something I must defeat on my own and I’m determined to do so. I’m not going to live a life where I am not in control and let my weaknesses make me weaker.