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05.03.2001 Entry: "Old Journal Entries"

Found some of my old journal entries from my old website and just thought I would post them.

11-05-00

It’s Saturday night, 11:00 and the kids are asleep and I just finished the final touches to MediaEssence.com. Normally I would be quit satisfied but tonight I’m not even close. I guess I’m having a bad day because I wasn’t invited to my daughter’s birthday party. If you ask me it pretty messed up! First of all I’m raising three kids on my own, Brianna 6, Chandler 4, Ellbie 2. My x wife left us seven months ago when she decided it was a good idea to cheat on me with my x best friend, what is up with that! The party wasn’t Brianna’s main birthday party, because she is having one Monday night. But this party was special to her and she wanted her dad to be there with her mom. The kids don’t get that much time to spend with mom so it is a special time for them.

11-19-00

When I was working today I started thinking. If something every happened to Chandra like she got paralyzed from a car accident or something where she couldn’t take care of herself anymore. I would take care of her for the rest of her life. The difference between us is obvious, Chandra would never do that for me. You know you really love someone when you would make a sacrifice like that. I know I haven’t had to make a sacrifice that big yet but I know in my heart I would do it in a second. It’s kind of sad that I don’t have anybody like that = (

11-26-00

While taking my friend home tonight I told her I was afraid of being a bad parent. I really fear that more than anything. I’m trying as hard as I can right now to give them the life they deserve. Sometimes I just start crying because of the guilt I feel. The guilt of knowing I brought theses innocent children into this world and they don’t even have a mother to love them. What I want more than anything is for my kids to look back one day and say, my dad was the best dad in the world. I just want them to grow up knowing that I’m trying as hard as I can.

I never thought I could raise three kids on my own. I also never expected to either. But I’ll tell you one thing it the biggest blessing in the world. To see your children grow up and be able to cherish every minute of it. To kiss their booboos, watching them look up at you in tears as they smile. Just knowing that you make everything better and you mean the world to them. That right there is what life is all about. Being a parent!

12-08-00

It’s 5 a.m. and I’m 10 min from launching oblivion77.com . I figured I would put something happy in my journal for once. I’m doing a lot better now and I’m off graveyard next week = ) I’ve been on graveyard for seven months now and I’m sick of it. The only bad thing is I’m going to have to work 8-hour days now instead of 10-hours days. I’m also really excited because I have a new website I’m going to be working on. www.lisapoole.com. She is a really nice model and really cute too. Well it’s time to upload this puppy to the server. Wish me luck = )

12-18-00

Well I’ve been off graveyard for about two weeks now and everything is fine and dandy. The only thing I miss is working only 4 days a week. The weekend goes so fast when you work five days a week = ( Christmas is less than one week away and I haven’t even started shopping yet, yikes! Other than that there is nothing that exciting going on in my life. Except for the same old, not getting over my x thing. I know that just takes time.

12-25-00

well it’s christmas morning 2:45am. I just got done putting together the kids bikes. It took forever and the instructions were¨ well lets just say they were probably written by a girl! See if a guy wrote them there would be allot of pictures. I don't know what they were thinking! everyone knows that guys don't read instructions. were just too smart to read them.

Christmas just hasn’t been the same this year with out Chandra. Everything is just so quite and lonely with out her. All I can say is it has been hard. When santa Claus asked Brianna what she wanted for Christmas she said, "for mommy and daddy to be together." That right there hurts deep, every time I think about what she said it makes me cry. My kids deserve the best, they deserve a family, a family that is together.

01-08-01

A lot can change in just two weeks. These last two weeks have been really confusing for me. I think I have fallen in love with the most beautiful girl in the world. When I'm with her I feel like everything is ok. Warmth in my heart she brings with every smile. She is everything a girl should be and better. I know my heart has fallen for her, but I wont let myself realize it. I'm so afraid of being hurt again; that it wouldn’t surprise me if I abandoned these feelings. Walking away like a coward from a chance to be in love again.

What really makes me sad is her parents don’t like me. I am not good enough for their little princess. No matter what I do or accomplish I will never be good enough for her in their eyes. Maybe one day that will change, maybe one day.

I went to Tijuana Saturday night for the first time. I hadn’t had that much fun in about 7 years; I felt like I was sixteen again. I would have to say the best part was a little 80's club called, "Porky’s." Actually the best part was the girl I went with, she is just so amassing.

01-17-01

Last night was one of the hardest nights I’ve had to go through. I said goodbye to one of my best friends. She has always been there for me for everything. The thing is she fell in love with me and I loved her only as a friend. I guess it was just too hard for her to accept that I only liked her as a friend. So she made me say goodbye for the last time. Together we sat there on the corner of her bed crying our hearts out to each other. Telling her I didn’t want to lose her as a friend.

There are so many memories that I’m going to have the hardest time letting go. She was the first friend that I opened up to. She knows things that I was too ashamed to tell anyone for 11 years. Even though it wasn’t my fault, it took her to help me realize it. So many nights she held me like a child as I cried in her arms. I understand how she feels because I felt the same way when Chandra left me. Chandra still wants to be friends but every time I see here I feel this great pain in my heart. One thing I have learned is you are better off with no friends. That way you never get hurt.