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05.14.2001 Entry: "Mother’s day"

I woke up yesterday really depressed and didn’t want to do anything. I forced myself out of bed and went for a long walk. Normally some fresh air and exercise helps when I’m feeling down, but it didn’t. I didn’t know why I was feeling this way till I started thinking about it. Last year on mother’s day I woke up early and made a big breakfast with flowers and all. Every year for the last six years I served her breakfast in bed along with a gift that came strait from my heart. I remember being so happy back then. Having someone that I looked forward to spending the rest of my life with.

It really hit me this year being all alone on mother’s day. I feel like such a loser and don’t even feel like trying anymore. Sometimes I feel like just being one of those dead beat dads that don’t want any part of their child’s life. The only reason why I would do that would be to get back at Chandra for leaving me. I pay her $1,000 a month just for watching her own kids Monday- Thursday. There are so many times I think about just cutting off the money supply and taking off to start a new life. But I would never leave my kids, because they are all I have left.

It just pisses me off so much that the only thing I am to Chandra is a money source. I’m not good enough for her, but my money is. I truly feel I don’t owe her a penny. She makes more money than I do and I make a lot for a 24-year-old with out a college degree. When you add her income [$9 hr] along with Christians [$12] and the [10k] she took from our savings account, the [20k] she got for having a baby for a couple in Spain. On top of all that you add the [$1,000] I give her each month you get [$82,000.00 in one year.] That’s a lot of money about half of what I make each year. What really sucks is I know the money that is suppose to be spend on the kids isn’t. Last months money went for new racing rims and tires for her mustang that she didn’t even need. I could go on and on how Chandra wastes money spending the child support money on Christian and her. But what good would that do?

Right now I’m living check to check and it’s really hard not having enough money to even eat. All last week I ate top ramen for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. All of this because I choose to be a decent father and give half of my income to my x-wife. I told my mom the other day that I was thinking about cutting my payment in half, only giving Chandra $500 a month. My mom told me if I do I’ll probably be put in jail. That doesn’t make any sense when you think about it. If I go to jail, then I’ll loose my job, If I loose my job then I wont have any money to pay child support. I would think $500 is better than nothing. Well I guess I’ll just see what happens.

Posted by Erica @ 05/15/2001 08:38 AM PST