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05.25.2001 Entry: "Play the cards"

It’s 3:15am Friday and I’m awake when I should be sleeping. Today I kind of broke up with my partner/girlfriend Diana. Diana is my best friend and I’ve spent so much time with her on a personal and working basis that I’ve gotten very close with her. I think more than anything I’m just a little sick of her. I’ve seen her now for about 12 days strait and yesterday was suppose to be my break from her. I know all I really needed was just a couple of days to be alone.

Well here’s what happened. I went to work yesterday and was already a little upset from the night before because Diana and I had a little fight about how things were going. So I was really looking forward to be able to go back to my place after work and just be alone. I was in one of those moods where you just want to turn off the lights and go to bed as soon as you get home. Little did I know that Diana decided to get a ride to my place and hang out. So I’m at work and she IM’s me from my computer and tells me how she is at my place. Right there my day was ruined; I was really looking forward to relaxing after work.

So I was chatting with Diana and I told her I didn’t want her to be my girlfriend anymore. At the time I don’t know if I really meant it or not. I was just really upset that she didn’t even ask me if she could go to my place. I told her to leave and when I got home she better not be there. I know that sounds mean, but that was at 12:30pm and I wasn’t going to be home until 8:00pm. I didn’t like the idea of her being at my place for 7 ½ hours with out me. I mainly didn’t want her to start snooping around and getting into stuff that I didn’t want her to see. Not that I’m hiding a bunch of stuff from her, I just don’t like people looking at my stuff with out me there. Well she did get into a bunch of stuff that I didn’t want her to get into and that really pissed me off.

So I got off work and went back to my place to find Diana was still there. I knew she got into my stuff because things were moved around. Plus everything is logged on my computer so I know she got into folders that I asked her not to get into. I asked her what she had been up to and she told me she had been talking with Frank my next-door neighbor. That right there really pissed me off because I have to see Frank every day because he lives in the same building as me. I told Diana she had no right to talk with anyone in my building about me. Last thing I want is people thinking I’m a jerk.

So I pretty much kicked her out and told her if she needed a ride home I would give her one after I took a nap. I ended up sleeping for about 6 hours only to be woken up to Diana pounding on my door. So I get up and open the door and she’s drunk off her ass. I guess she decided to go drinking with some of the other guys in my building. Before I opened the door I was thinking about apologizing to her for being so hard on her. All I can say is her being drunk just added more to the cons about going out with her. Drinking is one of those things that just totally disgusts me. Alcohol is a sickness that has brought so much corruption to this world. I look down upon people that drink because they are weak and willing to let something else control them. I’ve never touched a drop of alcohol in my life so that’s probably why I’m so against it.

So I take Diana home around 2:30am and she’s still drunk talking like a total fool. I’m not even listening to her; I don’t even think she knows what she is saying. I walked her to her door, like always her mom is waiting up for her. Diana was supposed to be home around 10:00pm that night so her mom looked pissed. So once again her parents think I’m the reason why their daughter is drunk and 4 hours late. The thing is things like this happen all the time and I just take the blame when its always Diana’s fault. If anything I’m the perfect guy, I don’t drink, do drugs, smoke, I have a good job, I’m responsible, I’m sensitive, and I like to have fun. But for some lame reason their daughter is perfect and would never do anything wrong, so it must be me!

If anything the reason why I can’t handle Diana as my girlfriend it’s because she depends on me too much. I drive 60 miles round trip to pick her up almost everyday because she doesn’t drive. I pay her cell phone bill and spend about $20 a day on her. Diana doesn’t even have a job so I end up paying for everything. The sad part is I think of her as more of my kid than a girlfriend. I would do anything to have an older girl with a decent job and a car. I wouldn’t have to spend an hour driving someone home at 1:00am on a work night. What would really be nice is a girl with her own place, a girl that could take care of me. I think what I really need is a sugar momma.

I’m just so sick of having so many people depend on me. Diana depends on me way too much. Chandra depends on the $1,000 a month I pay her for watching the kids 4 days a week. Which I’m not too happy about that, if Chandra would just get off her lazy ass and get a job I would only be paying her about $100 a month. Her time is going come and I wont be there to help her out. For some reason Chandra thinks that she can’t work because she watches the kids one more day than I do. It really sucks being 24, wanting to live my life and being tied down by so many people. This life I live is not my life, I didn’t chose to be divorced with three kids at the age of 24. But I still realize life sucks and you have to play the cards you are given.