Sitting here staring at the floor in complete frustration, I wipe the tears from my eyes. Sometimes I just feel like giving up and letting go, but for some reason I just cant. If only I had the courage that I have been seeking for, for so long. The courage to let go and say good-bye one last time. The courage to rest my head ever so softly that desolate night. If only I had that courage, my pain would have ended, but for my three children theirs would have just have begun. That right there is what has been holding me back all this time.
I was in a pretty good mood today till my sister called asking me if I wanted to bring the kids to her sons 2nd birthday party. I was totally fine with it and was actually kind of excited, because she normally doesn’t invite me to anything. I remember this Christmas crying for thirty minutes strait, because she didn’t even say hi to me. She walked in the living room where everyone was including me and just pretended I wasn’t even there.
So here’s the reason why I’m so upset right now, my sister asked me to come to her sons birthday party and then said, “you don’t mind that Chandra and Christian are going to be there?” I don’t even know what to say to that, I don’t even know what to type right now.
I’m actually ok with seeing Chandra, but Christian, no way! I thought he was my friend I trusted him in my house alone with my wife, only to be stabbed in the back. It wouldn’t have hurt nearly as much if Chandra had cheated on me with someone else. But why someone I looked up to, someone I trusted and thought so much of?
So Chandra calls me tonight to notify me that Christian and her will be at the party. We argued a little bit as we usually do and then she says I’m a loser if I don’t go to the party. I’m so sick of people expecting me to be over this by now, it’s been a year and I still feel sickened every time I hear her name. Nine years is a long time, and you really can’t just forget about someone that you had three kids with. Every time I look into my kids’ eyes I see Chandra within them. The guilt eats me up inside for being a failure as a husband and a father. A real man would have been able to keep his wife and his humble life.
I’m not really sure if I should go to the party or just stay home. I haven’t seen Christian for about a year and have tried as hard as I can to avoid him. I’m not really sure what I would do if I ever got in a situation where I was alone with him. Maybe I would kick his ass, maybe I wouldn’t. I’ve never really been into fighting and have avoided it all my life. The guys at work think I’m weird because I never beat him up. But what would that prove, that I’m stronger than him? I already know I am and I have the advantage of being seriously pissed off at him.
I’ve gone through a lot of hard times in my life and done a lot of things that other people frown down upon. Diana’s brothers and mom think I’m some kind of freak because of things I written before on this site. Just so they know incase they read my site again, I am not ashamed of the pain and suffering that I have gone through. I’m not ashamed of the three empty bottles of aspirin I left on the floor that night; or that I’ve had to drink that 24OZ cup of liquid charcoal one too many times. I’m not ashamed of the fading scars on my wrists from my childhood depression. I’m not ashamed that my heart is so fragile, that I cry myself to sleep night after night holding my pillow ever so tightly. I am not ashamed…nor will I ever be.
Well its almost 12:00am and I need to get up in five hours for work. Yet another night with only five hours of sleep I must retreat.
Replies: 4
Well..I think..
1: Go. If you can act like you're on top of the world, that is. See, they're both jerks. You can see that now. Don't give them what they want(you acting like stuff sucks because of them), it'll only make them feel like they've "won", so to speak. If you KNOW you can't deal, then it isn't worth it. If your sister treats you that badly, then why go anyway? *sigh*
2: ..don't mind Diana's family. They don't KNOW(understand..) what you've been through..and if they went through as much as you have, I think perhaps they'd react the same way.
3: Try to think positive as much as you can..I know it sounds corny but things will get better. Everyone says "it takes time", and it's been a long time so far..but maybe this is going to take a very long time..but just think of when it's over.
Everything worth having is worth waiting for.
Posted by md @ 06/08/2001 08:11 PM PST
Brian you know I don't think you are a freak. That I love you and support you in everything. I just don't like people butting in about certain things. If you decide to go to the party know that I will be there at your side. Erica and your brother are right in what they said. Its the past and it still hurts at times, but you need to move on. Show everyone how strong you are and how you can be happy despite what others do to you.
Posted by Diana @ 06/08/2001 12:09 PM PST
We've all made mistakes in the past. There's no need to be ashamed or to embrace the pain of yesteryear if we learn and grow. And once we learn and grow, we must let go. If not, the mistakes of the past continue to be the mistakes of the future.
You cannot change the past, but by maintaining a clear vision of what you want in the future, you can enjoy the present...and before you know it, that future you long for will arrive.
Posted by Bill @ 06/08/2001 06:26 AM PST
Being upset is not wrong. My mom still crys when she talks about my dad. They got devorced when I was 9. (So, 14 years ago.)
If you truely love someone it never goes away. It's just how you cope with it that matters.
Oh, about going to the birthday party..... I think I would go. You didn't do anything wrong. Make Chandra and Christian see you having a good time. It might make them start to think. ("Why is he so happy?")
Or you can tell your sister to piss off. She doesn't seem to be very understanding. If she didn't give you the time of day at christmas who says this time will be any different. And there is no need to go and get hurt more.
Posted by Erica @ 06/08/2001 05:46 AM PST
