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07.23.2001 Entry: "perfect little dream girl"

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, like I always do, just ask Diana. If Diana was a psychiatrist and was charging by the hour she would be a millionaire. Ok, back to me and my thinking. I’ve been having the hardest time getting over this idea that Chandra was the perfect girl. I realize now that it was me that made Chandra who she was. Everything from the Mary-Jane Doc Martins to knee-highs and plaid schoolgirl uniforms. The way she dressed, the way she cut her hair, even the music she listened to, it was all me. When I first met her I thought she was a typical wannabe surfer dork. I actually wasn’t at all attracted to her until she cut her hair short and dyed it burgundy, which I talked her into doing. That whole three years of dating I basically made her into my ideal dream girl.

It’s this thinking that I had at onetime a perfect girl that makes it so hard to get over. I just have the hardest time re-enforcing myself with the truth. I’m not in love with her at all; it’s the memories that I’m in love with. It’s the memories of when we were fifteen and still children. Part of me wishes I could go back and be a fifteen-year-old all over again. If I could be fifteen again I defiantly would have stayed away from sex. Well, I think I could have…actually I don’t think I could of…but I would have tried harder to stay away from it.

So I realize now that Chandra was really just everything I made her. Maybe the perfect girl really only exists within my head. With all this thinking I have a few options. [1] I can find another fifteen-year-old girl to turn into the perfect girl. Probably not the best idea…hmmm, I wonder if prison food is good? [2] I can force myself to believe I’m really just in love with myself. [3] I can just face up to the truth and realize that Chandra wasn’t the perfect girl. The past is the past and there is nothing I can change about that. The perfect girl thing was just a physical attraction thing. She didn’t have the cute little attitude or the perfect breasts to be my ideal dream girl.

There are actually four options, but the fourth one I very much dislike. [4] Try to convince myself the perfect dream girl really only exists in my head. I know the right one to go with and I just don’t want to believe it. I wrote once upon a time, “I would rather spend a lifetime searching for the perfect woman, never finding her. Than spend my whole life not believing she exists.” Man, now that I think about it that’s pretty lame. There is no such thing as the perfect woman nor is there such thing as a perfect man. I know that’s something a lot of us need to realize. Everyone has faults; you’re not going to be happier with someone else. We just have to take what we have and make it work.

I went ahead and added some pictures of the girl that I thought I made into my perfect little dream girl. I may have shared these with some of you, but for the others, here you go.

Pictures of Brian and Chandra, in chronological order.
[01] [02] [03] [04] [05] [06] 
[07] [08] [09] [10] [11] [12]

Pictures of Chandra, in chronological order.
[01] [02] [03]