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08.22.2001 Entry: "How I love you...and yet I hate you"

So maybe I’m wrong about boys being better than girls are. I just find that it is easier for me to blame all girls for what Chandra did to me. And for some reason I feel better hating all girls. In some way or another girls have ruined my life. Its weird how I hate them so much yet fall head over hills so easily when one talks to me. Every girl I meet I find things that remind me of the way she treated me. There was a point in my life that I decided to give up totally on girls and live the rest of my life in complete celibacy.

I guess this whole hate/love thing all comes down to my insecurities of not being liked by girls. Growing up I was just that tall goofy kid that clowned around all the time. I’m starting to think since I goofed off so much, maybe that is why girls didn’t like me. I couldn’t ever see myself with a girl that didn’t goof off, so why should I be normal.

I’ve been trying to figure myself out for the past year and have learnt a lot. I know the type of girls I hate the most, the stuck-up, fake-girly ones, with perfect bodies, that think they are better than everyone else are the ones I secretly want the want the most. These types of girls are the ones that intimidate me the most, leading me to always badmouth them. Yet really I am just jealous and pissed off because I could never get a girl as perfect as that. So I find it easier just to hate all girls and label then as lower than me.

So you understand now...right? Well if not, the easiest way to describe the way I feel about girls is how Helga feels about Arnold in the cartoon, Hey Arnold! Anyone who has watched this cartoon knows how Helga treats Arnold; She makes fun of his football shaped head and always tries to embarrass him in front of his classmates and basically treats him like crap. Yet when Helga is all alone all she does is long for her young Arnold. As Helga puts it best, "How I love you...and yet I hate you...and yet I love you...and yet I hate you...and yet I love you."

Posted by grodi girl @ 08/23/2001 06:02 AM PST

You have a girl why should it matter if they like you or not. You know that I care about you and will always be here to take care of you. I just want the same thing from you.

Posted by diana @ 08/22/2001 11:26 AM PST