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11.05.2001 Entry: "Twelve years"

Twelve years I hadn’t told a soul. Twelve years I’ve been living with this pain. Twelve years I drove myself insane. I locked my heart, throwing away the key for no one to understand. I can remember like it yesterday. How I used to just sit there on your bed and watch you draw. The many talents you had, I thought you were the most amazing person. I was only 12 years old and still a child, you were 18 and knew what you were doing

I remember sitting there on the corner of your bed. Not even expecting what was about to happen. The way your hands moved down my leg. The way I squirmed when you went down on me. More than anything I was in shock and didn’t know what to do. I guess I could have said stop but everything was happening so fast. Suddenly everything came to an end with a feeling I had never felt before. Looking up at me with those trusting eyes of yours. I remember you telling me it was ok as you took your tongue and slowly cleaned me up.

Before that day I never even knew I was able to do that. Maybe I was protected just a little too much, but then again I was just twelve years old. I remember going home that day so confused not knowing what to do. It wasn’t till the next day that the guilt fell down upon me. I was changed and would never be same, for twelve years I would be the one to blame.

The shame I felt, the guilt that brought me here. Living the next twelve years in fear. I will never be the same; you forever changed me. I will never be the person I could have been. I will always feel like I am different from all of you. I remember the first time I tried to end it all; I was only thirteen. That endless cup of coal and the dreadful morning after. Double-edged and Vertical blue oh how I fell in love with you. It seemed from there on the cutting never really stopped. It was my way of dealing with the pain; it was my way of feeling sane.

I was only a child and didn’t know what to do. I had nothing to help filter out these feelings. I had no one to turn to, no one tell. Could it have been any more obvious what was happening to me? More than anything I was just trying to get someone to see. All I wanted was for someone to figure me out and tell me it would be ok. Twelve years later and the countless hours of searching I realize now I will never be ok.