While talking with someone today they told me that I write weird. I asked them what they meant and they told me I have bad grammar. It really didn’t bother me because I know I do. In school I was one of those kids that goofed off all the time and didn’t take anything serious. I can remember all the way back to the third grade where I went to special classes for reading. I remember being so embarrassed for having to take remedial classes and ended up hating school. I pretty much took those types of classes till my sophomore year in high school. It was not till then that they realized I was dyslectic.

Once they found that out I got put back into regular classes and got special privileges. I got everything from not having to do certain assignments to being able to take tests home. They even hooked me up with books on cassette tape so I wouldn’t have to read. You would think with all these extra privileges that I would have brought my grades up above a D average. But I didn’t, I know now my real problem was I just didn’t care about school. I never tried in any class except for art classes. Even in PE I got D’s and C’s and I played on the Basketball Team and the Volleyball Team.

It wasn’t till I started Junior College that I realized how important school is. I took a placement test and found out I only had a sixth grade reading level. I was really ashamed and felt like a complete idiot. It was at that point that I decided to change things. I spent two hours a day in a special reading class and went up from a sixth grade reading level to an tenth grade reading level with in one year. Even then I really wasn’t into school when it came to other classes like science and math. The only classes I really like in college were history and art classes. I remember taking a computer class and thinking, "what a bunch of dorks" not knowing that I would be one of them one day.

I ended up going to a computer trade school and got my little degree in Networking. Even when I went there I slacked. My biggest problem is I never learned to study so I just kind of figured it out on my own. I also never had any confidence in myself either so I kind of just excepted that I wasn’t smart. It wasn’t till I started studying for my MCSE and kicked some major butt on the tests that I realized I was pretty smart. That was the first time I actually was doing something on my own and I really enjoyed it. I had no teacher or homework and I worked at my own pace. I learnt more studying for my MCSE than I did the whole time at college.

Oh yeah for anyone reading this, I’m not a Microsoft guy anymore. I work with Unix and Linux everyday so don’t make fun of me = )

$bash rules

oblivion77 @ 06:30 PM PST

Finally Friday! This week has gone so slow! I finally got to move into my place. I went to IKEA last night and bought all this really cool stuff. I know if I told you what I bought you would say I was gay, but I’m not, I’m really not! Nothing wrong with being gay, I have a few friends that are gay and we hang out all the time. I bought a bunch of little floating candles and 8 little glasses that the candles sit in. I also bought 100 tea light candles and 9 little glass dishes that they fit in. I bought this huge square candle with four wicks and a silver square platter that it sits on. I also bought a bunch of other candles.

I don’t know why but lately I’ve had this fascination with candles. There’s something about lighting 10 to 15 candles, turning on some music, turning the light off, and taking a warm bath. That sounds like a total girl thing to do, but let me tell you it feels so good to relax like that. Man, I really wish I was off work right now, I can’t wait to get home.

The only bummer about getting my place is that I don’t have anywhere to sleep. My parents went to Big Bear for a week and took the truck. So I need to wait till they get back until I can move my bed = ( I do have a air mattress that I might take down there to sleep on. I’m not sure if I really want to sleep on it so I might just stay at my old place until then.

Everything would be so perfect right now if only I had a wife. I miss having someone to pamper and treat like a princess, I really do. I miss bringing flowers home to someone on Fridays after work. I miss cooking and cleaning and daily chores, all the stuff I used to do before. I miss having someone to wake up next to in the morning. Being able to look over at her and fall in love all over again. I miss it all, all the little things that other couples don’t even take the time to think about.

What I really miss doing is making her happy. Chandra used to work as a waitress on Saturdays doing kids birthday parties. After nine hours of screaming kids the last thing you want to come home to is three screaming kids. Right before she would get home I would get dinner ready have the kids fed. Start her a warm bath with some of her favorite bubble bath. Once she got home I would tell her to go relax in the bath and I would take the kids to the park for an hour. That right there is what made me feel good, being able to take care of someone like that. I just wish I had a wife that would have done the same for me.

When was the last time you ever did something like that for someone? I know if I was a typical guy that liked to drink beer and watch sports. I would love it to have my wife greet me at the door with a cold beer in one hand and the remote in the other. I’ve heard of guys with wives like that, but I’m not sure if they exist. I just know for myself that there is no greater feeling than being able to treat someone like that. When you do something like that it just shows how much you care for that person and they realize it. In return they treat you better and if you get lucky they just might surprise you by doing the same.

oblivion77 @ 06:11 PM PST

Do you ever have those days when everything is silent? Every once in a while I have one of those days and today is one of them. It’s really kind of weird, I know people are talking around me but I don’t hear them at all. I woke up this morning and everything was so quiet. I had my windows down the whole way as I drove to work at 80mph and it was still silent. Hmmm… The best way I could describe this silence would be describing it more as a loneliness, but I don’t feel lonely.

Today has also been one of those days where I really don’t want to do anything at all. Normally when I’m at work I stay atop of things. I guess what I’m saying is I’m just slacking at work today. Surfing the web chatting with friends, kind of what I would normally do on a Friday afternoon. I even put my picture on hotornot.com, lol. I rated myself as a 5 because I’m not that good looking. But if the site was dorkornot.com then I would have rated myself as a 10 = )

oblivion77 @ 05:53 PM PST

Well its Monday and I’m almost off work. Today was one of those days were you just don’t want to go to work. As I was driving to work I was thinking to myself, "why do I even work?" I know there is so much more to life than working for some corporate company. I don’t even think more than 6 people know who I am or even care to know who I am. I’m trapped in this large cold room called, “The NOC.” I stay here from the beginning of my shift to the end. The only time I leave is to fill up my water or use the restroom. The only sounds I hear are the fans of many powerful servers and the ringing of the phones. Sounds fun, don’t ya think?

I have worked many jobs from the time I had to grow up. Everything from mowing lawns to building mobile homes. But one job I had has been my favorite of all. That job was working at Target. I worked in the housewears department and enjoyed it very much. I was the type of guy that when someone asked where something was, I would walk him or her over to it. Even if it was on the other side of the store. I always had a big smile on my face and liked to make others smile. I guess the only thing that stopped me from being the perfect employee was I liked to goof off. Even at work.

I always got in trouble from my supervisor for flirting. "I really wasn’t flirting, honestly I was just trying to me nice", I would say to my supervisor. He probably heard that over 100 times. I never flirted with girls that I liked, don’t know why either. I wasn’t at all attracted to the girls. I think it was a goof off thing more than anything. I wish I could just quit this job and work at Target. But I cant, Target wont pay the bills that need to be paid. So I’m stuck working day after day in this lonely place called, "The NOC"

oblivion77 @ 06:04 PM PST

After backing up my computer (getting ready for the big upgrade, Win2k) I found a letter that I wrote to Chandra right after she moved out with Christian. It was at a time when I was blaming myself for everything. I’ve realized over the months now that it really wasn’t me that did everything wrong. I was just with someone that was so controlling that I took the blame for everything. Someone that made me feel it was always my fault when really I did nothing wrong. I’ve learnt that people are what they believe. When you’re with someone that tells you everyday that you’re a loser and you’re fat, you tend to believe it. I guess I’m one of those people that easily believes what people tell me. I don’t think I’ll ever get over my complex of feeling fat.

I’m not really sure why I am even adding this on my site. I just know this letter means a lot to me for some reason. Maybe its because I cried more tears than ever before when writing it. Maybe its because this letter was the last apology I gave Chandra before trying to take my own life. Maybe it was the rejection I felt after she read it. She read the letter then giving it back to me saying, "You keep so you remind myself how much a failure you are." After hearing those words I made a decision and tried to end it all. That decision right there was the stupidest decision I have ever made and I’ve learnt greatly from that mistake.

*Start of The Letter*


August 17, 2000

Chandra,

I don’t even know where to start. I guess I should start by saying how very sorry I am for treating you the way I have. I haven’t taken the time to ever tell you how much I appreciate you and all that you have done for me. You’ve been the best girlfriend and the greatest wife a guy could have. You never did anything wrong and I always seemed to blame you. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me and I thank you for that. I never realized how much you loved me until I found Andy (your diary.) I found it when I was cleaning up in our room along with all the letters we wrote to each other. We really had something special and I’m the one to blame. It kills me inside reading your diary, realizing that I treated you so badly. I’m so sorry that I made your life even harder than it was. I had tears in my eyes the whole four hours it took me to read your diary and tears in my eyes just trying to write this apology to you.

I’m glad I got a chance to read your diary tonight, I laughed, I cried, and most of all I have regret for not treating you like the princess you are. You deserve the best and I support you 100% in anything that you do. Tonight brought back so many memories, sharing charming bonds and taking showers everyday, things that I almost forgotten. I can’t believe that we really went to taco bell almost everyday, we even went three times one day. You worked so hard to buy me everything when I should have been the one paying for you. If you ever need extra money I’ll take care of you because always took care of me. I never knew how special it was to you when we took walks because your family was fighting. We would always talk how it would be different when we had our family. I want to make things different and I’ll try my hardest to change.

It’s funny how we spent everyday with each other but that just didn’t seem to be enough. Almost everyday I would be mean to you and break your heart but you would always say it was your fault. Your self-esteem was low and it was me that was your sun and your rainy cloud too. We would always get in little fights but I always called you to say I love you. I really did love you and I always will, even though things have changed you will always be my love bug. You deserve the best in life and I’ll help you anyway that I can. If you need me to watch the kids so you can go out with friends or need me to coupon shop for you don’t hesitate to ask. You’ve done so much for me and this is the least I can do for you.

You wrote, "When we were waiting for my dad to pick us up. Brian and I started talking about getting married. It will be so fun to be married to Brian. At night that’s all I think about. Like when he comes home from work and kisses me and when we go to bed we can sleep and hold each other all night. It will be great. I’m so happy right now, I could just fly away." I read that could stop crying for ten minutes. It’s me that ruined our marriage and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. Maybe one day you will see that I’ve changed and we could start over. For now I know you will need your time and I’ll be here for you if you ever need me.

There are so many things I wish we had done. I really wish that we could have moved out together and lived on our own. Have another baby together, a baby brother for Chandler. Have a chance to have a real wedding now that I have a job. A chance to love you and only you for the rest of my life. Watch our kids succeed together. To grow old together and play with our grandchildren together. If I had just one wish it would be to go back into time and change, to never hurt you, and always be there for you, no matter what. Its funny how the little things in life, the things I look past everyday are the things I miss most right now. I really wish we could just take a long walk and catch up on things. There are just so many little things I want to apologize for.

Tonight there is one thing that I read that made me cry more than anything it is something you wrote in your diary on your sixteenth birthday. "I got an art kit from Brian. But the best present I got was being able to talk to Brian on the phone. I miss you Brian; I love you. Thank you so much for everything. My sixteenth birthday wish was to marry Brian and have a family and live happily ever after.&qout;Reading that just killed me inside, I so sorry Chandra for taking away your wish. I promise I’ll make it up to you somehow.

You had a hard life and a bad childhood and all you ever wanted was to have a loving family to call our own. We had that and I took it away from you, I regret it everyday, everyday¨ I really do feel bad for all the things I’ve done to you. You deserve so much and I’ll give you anything you need. I’m sorry for being selfish and always ignoring you. I just hope that one day you can forgive me. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what happens, always.

Your Love Bug and Husband,
-Brian

*End of The Letter*

oblivion77 @ 06:34 PM PST

Yippy, yippy, yippy, I’m so excited! I just got a call and I got excepted for the studio. This is just so cool I can’t believe it. As soon as I get off work I’m going to Bath & Body to buy new hand soap, new air freshener, and some candles. Not that I’m into girly things or anything like that, I just happen to like their cucumber melon. Just because I prefer women’s deodorant over men’s doesn’t mean a thing, it doesn’t! A lot of guys use Secret "its strong enough for a man" too!

I’ve wanted this place so bad, just the other day I went to Ikea and bought all these candles and spent $45.00 on three new picture frames for my walls. I don’t ever know what pictures I’m going to put in them. I think I am acting pretty normal for a 24-year-old that hasn’t moved out before. I just hope that after my shopping spree I have enough left to pay rent.

oblivion77 @ 05:53 PM PST

I hate waiting for things! I’m waiting to be approved on my application for my new studio. I’m so excited about moving into this place, it’s like a dream come true. Then again maybe it’s just because it’s my first time moving out and I’m just really eager to move on. This Place is right in the Gas Lamp of San Diego and is a really cool old building. What I like best about the place is they kept the style of the old building. The building has been renovated so they ripped everything out and put in everything new. When they did that they tried to match the old style of things so the place looks totally retro.

I can’t wait to go and take pictures for my site. I’m going to do a little photo slide-show as soon as I move in. I think I might title it, "7th and Market." I never pictured myself living downtown before. Then again I never pictured myself having three kids at the age of 21, lol! I’m used to silence at night with just a few faint crying howls of a lonesome wolf. Not the sounds of ho’s getting beat by their pimp, or the sirens of speeding police cars.

When I think about it I am a bit scared to be living in downtown. I really don’t like to be alone at night. I guess if worse comes to worse I could always ask one of the friendly homeless to keep me company. That was a joke! = )

oblivion77 @ 06:32 PM PST

It has been bugging me for so long how my work treats me. This is the third time my work has redesigned their web page and didn’t let me get involved. They paid some lame company 35k for the new website and it sucks. It doesn’t even have valid meta tags. Once again the marketing team has wasted money on a website that I could have done better and basically for free.

See to them I will always be Brian Wade Technical Support. I hate how people do that. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Just a little while ago I asked the head of marketing if I could help on the new design. He told me they are having professionals design the site, as if I wasn’t a professional! What the hell is up with that? I have my own design studio with my partner. I have been coding and doing graphics for about 3 years. My partner even has a BFA and is more talented than me.

What makes someone a professional web designer? I know the answer to this question too. It is because I already have a title of Technical Support and there is no way a Tech Support guy could be good enough for Tachyon’s web page. That right there is what has been bugging me for so fricken long.

oblivion77 @ 11:06 PM PST

It’s finally Friday and I can’t wait to get off of work. Friday always seems to come too late; this week has been so slow. I’m not really looking forward to going home because as soon as I do, I need to be a dad. I know that probably sounds bad like I don’t appreciate being a father. I really do, it’s just this week has been one of those weeks where I just want to give up. Sometimes I just want to run away from everything, especially Chandra. Just like I mentioned the other day, every time I see her or talk to her it stirs up so many emotions inside of me. Sometimes I feel as if I can’t handle it anymore.

If I didn’t have children this whole thing would be a lot easier to deal with. I would have moved to Texas or Salt Lake by now and would be living with family. Starting a new life and enjoying my freedom. I use the word freedom as if I don’t have it. I have physical freedom to do what ever I want. I just don’t have the mental freedom due to my overwhelming emotions. This mental freedom is what I need to move on from all of this.

oblivion77 @ 03:05 PM PST

Chandra called me today at work to ask me something about her insurance card. I haven’t seen her for about a month and hadn’t even spoken with her in three weeks. Everyone I know says you’ll get over it in time but I have to disagree. There are so many things I will never get over; my self-esteem will never be as it was before. I will never feel good enough for any girl. If I did the fear of her leaving me would push me away.

She knows I am miserable and I think she enjoys knowing that it is her that makes my pain intensify. I don’t really know what hurts the most. But what really hurts is that she is happy with her new life and acts like nothing really happened. Just today she told me the reason why I am still sad is because I am immature. That If I was not such a child I would be over all of this. I look at it this way and truly believe that love never dies. How can someone even compare my emotions to my maturity? I agree I act like a little kid but that is the way I keep my sanity. It has nothing to do with my maturity.

I go to work everyday and hide these feelings all behind a shining smile. Most people would say I am one of the happiest people they know. One lady at work even calls me Mr. Sunshine. I really don’t know why I always smile but I just do. Even when I have those long talks with my mom I end up laughing and grinning while the tears come rolling down. What is really weird is how I can’t even look at someone in the eyes with out getting a big goofy grin on my face. Well my day at work is just about over and I’m ready to go home = )

oblivion77 @ 06:00 PM PST

Pondering nights like this I stay up endlessly searching for the answers. I’m ready to move on from all of this. I just want to know why! Why you left me; destroying my life. You were everything to me, everything I dreamed of. Was I not good enough for you? Is he really that better than me? Can he make you smile like I used to? You knew my self-esteem was low. You knew you were everything in the world to me.

That day when I came to see you, I didn’t even exist. I’d never felt so invisible before, like I didn’t matter. All you talked about is how happy you were with out me. I left that Sunday morning saying good-bye with one thing on my mind. Driving home, tears pouring down, I made my decision.

What hurts the most is how you didn’t even care to call me when I got home from the hospital. You acted like I was some kind of idiot making fun of me with no respect for my dying soul. Three empty bottles of aspirin on the floor because of you. All I remember is the pungent pain and fading sirens. Just thinking about it I can still feel my stomach twisting and turning. You knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it and you still walked out the door. All I ask is, "why?"

oblivion77 @ 02:08 AM PST