It’s 3:15am Friday and I’m awake when I should be sleeping. Today I kind of broke up with my partner/girlfriend Diana. Diana is my best friend and I’ve spent so much time with her on a personal and working basis that I’ve gotten very close with her. I think more than anything I’m just a little sick of her. I’ve seen her now for about 12 days strait and yesterday was suppose to be my break from her. I know all I really needed was just a couple of days to be alone.

Well here’s what happened. I went to work yesterday and was already a little upset from the night before because Diana and I had a little fight about how things were going. So I was really looking forward to be able to go back to my place after work and just be alone. I was in one of those moods where you just want to turn off the lights and go to bed as soon as you get home. Little did I know that Diana decided to get a ride to my place and hang out. So I’m at work and she IM’s me from my computer and tells me how she is at my place. Right there my day was ruined; I was really looking forward to relaxing after work.

So I was chatting with Diana and I told her I didn’t want her to be my girlfriend anymore. At the time I don’t know if I really meant it or not. I was just really upset that she didn’t even ask me if she could go to my place. I told her to leave and when I got home she better not be there. I know that sounds mean, but that was at 12:30pm and I wasn’t going to be home until 8:00pm. I didn’t like the idea of her being at my place for 7 ½ hours with out me. I mainly didn’t want her to start snooping around and getting into stuff that I didn’t want her to see. Not that I’m hiding a bunch of stuff from her, I just don’t like people looking at my stuff with out me there. Well she did get into a bunch of stuff that I didn’t want her to get into and that really pissed me off.

So I got off work and went back to my place to find Diana was still there. I knew she got into my stuff because things were moved around. Plus everything is logged on my computer so I know she got into folders that I asked her not to get into. I asked her what she had been up to and she told me she had been talking with Frank my next-door neighbor. That right there really pissed me off because I have to see Frank every day because he lives in the same building as me. I told Diana she had no right to talk with anyone in my building about me. Last thing I want is people thinking I’m a jerk.

So I pretty much kicked her out and told her if she needed a ride home I would give her one after I took a nap. I ended up sleeping for about 6 hours only to be woken up to Diana pounding on my door. So I get up and open the door and she’s drunk off her ass. I guess she decided to go drinking with some of the other guys in my building. Before I opened the door I was thinking about apologizing to her for being so hard on her. All I can say is her being drunk just added more to the cons about going out with her. Drinking is one of those things that just totally disgusts me. Alcohol is a sickness that has brought so much corruption to this world. I look down upon people that drink because they are weak and willing to let something else control them. I’ve never touched a drop of alcohol in my life so that’s probably why I’m so against it.

So I take Diana home around 2:30am and she’s still drunk talking like a total fool. I’m not even listening to her; I don’t even think she knows what she is saying. I walked her to her door, like always her mom is waiting up for her. Diana was supposed to be home around 10:00pm that night so her mom looked pissed. So once again her parents think I’m the reason why their daughter is drunk and 4 hours late. The thing is things like this happen all the time and I just take the blame when its always Diana’s fault. If anything I’m the perfect guy, I don’t drink, do drugs, smoke, I have a good job, I’m responsible, I’m sensitive, and I like to have fun. But for some lame reason their daughter is perfect and would never do anything wrong, so it must be me!

If anything the reason why I can’t handle Diana as my girlfriend it’s because she depends on me too much. I drive 60 miles round trip to pick her up almost everyday because she doesn’t drive. I pay her cell phone bill and spend about $20 a day on her. Diana doesn’t even have a job so I end up paying for everything. The sad part is I think of her as more of my kid than a girlfriend. I would do anything to have an older girl with a decent job and a car. I wouldn’t have to spend an hour driving someone home at 1:00am on a work night. What would really be nice is a girl with her own place, a girl that could take care of me. I think what I really need is a sugar momma.

I’m just so sick of having so many people depend on me. Diana depends on me way too much. Chandra depends on the $1,000 a month I pay her for watching the kids 4 days a week. Which I’m not too happy about that, if Chandra would just get off her lazy ass and get a job I would only be paying her about $100 a month. Her time is going come and I wont be there to help her out. For some reason Chandra thinks that she can’t work because she watches the kids one more day than I do. It really sucks being 24, wanting to live my life and being tied down by so many people. This life I live is not my life, I didn’t chose to be divorced with three kids at the age of 24. But I still realize life sucks and you have to play the cards you are given.

oblivion77 @ 04:34 AM PST

Today I was feeling pretty down and alone. As soon as I got home from work I logged on to see if any friends were online. I spent about two hours chatting with Maya’s mom. She helped me realized a few things tonight and I greatly appreciate the time she took to comfort me. She shared two things with me tonight that made a big impact on me. It’s weird how my mom tells me all the time that I can only find happiness with in and I never listen. But when Maya’s mom shared a part of herself with me, it made everything clear.

I tend to dwell on the past and I know what I need to do. I know I need to tell myself everyday that everything before is in the past and today is the future. To force myself to understand that I can’t change the past but I can change the future. I have a choice to live my life; a choice to live life to it’s fullest. I just need to try extra hard and not dwell on my mistakes and focus on what I have done right.

oblivion77 @ 01:19 AM PST

Last night around 2:30am I decided to finally upgrade from Windows 98 to Windows 2000. The install was so much easier than I thought it would be. I’ve installed NT Server more than enough in my time and this was just way too easy. I planned on going to bed as soon as I finished upgrading, but knowing me I ended up playing with it till 7:30 am. I really should have gone to bed around midnight last night. I knew I had to get up at 10:00am to get ready for a birthday party in Tijuana that started at 1:00am.

Diana and I drove the kids down to Tijuana for Diana’s little cousins 4th birthday party. Everyone I met was really nice and I had a fun time. Today was the kids first time going down into Mexico; all together the trip was really fun. The only part that wasn’t fun was the hour and a half wait at the border. If there’s one thing I cannot stand, it’s traffic.

Ellbie and I just finished watching Iron Giant and I’m finally ready to go to bed. The Iron Giant is one of my favorite cartoon movies. I feel like a pretty big dork because every time I watch this movie it makes me cry. I seem to cry a lot when watching movies when there is no one to make fun of me. When there are people around I always act all tough. With a lump in my throat and rubbing my eyes I say, "Man, there’s something in my eye." Girls are so lucky, they’re expected to get all emotional and cry when it comes to watching movies.

oblivion77 @ 11:22 PM PST

I almost have Jonathan’s site finished, I just need to finish the landscapes gallery. Hopefull tomorrow I’ll get a chance to finish the site. Now I’m just waiting for Jonathan to buy his domain name and get a server to host the site so we launch it. Then off to a new project I will go = )

I wanted to take a second and thank a few friends that have really been there in supporting me. I think some of them actually read my site but I’m not positive the only way I really know is if they leave a comment or bring something up when we are chatting.

First there is my big brother William F. Wade Jr. (aka BigB) who has always been there for me when I needed someone. I know he reads my webpage because he leaves little inspiring comments.

A BIG thanks goes to my best friend and partner Diana who has really been there for me during some ruff times, I don’t think she reads my site that often but I know she does.

Then there is my good friend Chris, who introduced me to Diana. Chris and I have had many fun times being single and lonely together trying to work the club scene. If Chris were as dope as he says he is he would leave a comment every now and then, lol.

Maya, I can’t say that name with out smiling. Maya has been a really good friend, I met her through Diana’s little brother Juan. Maya is coming down in a couple of weeks to San Diego for her birthday, I’m really looking forward to hanging out with her. If you get a chance check out Maya’s website, she draws really good.

Another BIG thanks goes to Helen my comrade from Russia who always writes me and inspires me to be a better person. Her kind warm words always bring a smile to my face. I just wish Helen lived a little bit closer so we could hang out = (

Last there is my new friend Erica who has a really nice web log about her way of life. I just started chatting with Erica last week and have enjoyed it very much.

Well if I left anyone out its because I didn’t get your money in time. Maybe next time, lol = )

oblivion77 @ 07:07 PM PST

I woke up yesterday really depressed and didn’t want to do anything. I forced myself out of bed and went for a long walk. Normally some fresh air and exercise helps when I’m feeling down, but it didn’t. I didn’t know why I was feeling this way till I started thinking about it. Last year on mother’s day I woke up early and made a big breakfast with flowers and all. Every year for the last six years I served her breakfast in bed along with a gift that came strait from my heart. I remember being so happy back then. Having someone that I looked forward to spending the rest of my life with.

It really hit me this year being all alone on mother’s day. I feel like such a loser and don’t even feel like trying anymore. Sometimes I feel like just being one of those dead beat dads that don’t want any part of their child’s life. The only reason why I would do that would be to get back at Chandra for leaving me. I pay her $1,000 a month just for watching her own kids Monday- Thursday. There are so many times I think about just cutting off the money supply and taking off to start a new life. But I would never leave my kids, because they are all I have left.

It just pisses me off so much that the only thing I am to Chandra is a money source. I’m not good enough for her, but my money is. I truly feel I don’t owe her a penny. She makes more money than I do and I make a lot for a 24-year-old with out a college degree. When you add her income [$9 hr] along with Christians [$12] and the [10k] she took from our savings account, the [20k] she got for having a baby for a couple in Spain. On top of all that you add the [$1,000] I give her each month you get [$82,000.00 in one year.] That’s a lot of money about half of what I make each year. What really sucks is I know the money that is suppose to be spend on the kids isn’t. Last months money went for new racing rims and tires for her mustang that she didn’t even need. I could go on and on how Chandra wastes money spending the child support money on Christian and her. But what good would that do?

Right now I’m living check to check and it’s really hard not having enough money to even eat. All last week I ate top ramen for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. All of this because I choose to be a decent father and give half of my income to my x-wife. I told my mom the other day that I was thinking about cutting my payment in half, only giving Chandra $500 a month. My mom told me if I do I’ll probably be put in jail. That doesn’t make any sense when you think about it. If I go to jail, then I’ll loose my job, If I loose my job then I wont have any money to pay child support. I would think $500 is better than nothing. Well I guess I’ll just see what happens.

oblivion77 @ 04:49 PM PST

Last night was really fun. Diana and I went back to my place to meet my friend Chris who came over to hang out with us. That was my first time showing my studio off to anyone so I felt pretty cool. Chris thought it was the nicest studio he has seen so far, I would have to agree with him. We walked around downtown for a little while goofing off like we always do and then went back to my place.

On the way back from walking Chris to his car I met some of my neighbors. They were hanging outside talking so I introduced myself. I offered them to come up to my place and check it out. So we went back to my place for a minute and then we started knocking on all the other neighbors’ doors so we could meet them. We started out as four of us hanging out and ended up as eight. For about two hours last night all we did was just hang out at each other’s places and get to know each other.

oblivion77 @ 05:56 PM PST

Today was just one of those days at work. David, one of the guys I work with called in sick and Jesse left two hours early. So for six hours I was the only guy there at work. The phone was ringing non-stop for three hours. I pretty much had one person on hold while talking with the other person the whole time. I get so sick of talking with idiots and trying to configure their tcp/ip stupid things like that. I had one guy that even wanted me to configure his whole network for him. Not to sound rude, but if you don’t know how to use Windows NT you shouldn’t be touching it. For some reason I get a lot of people that don’t know anything about computers and they expect me to do it for them.

Well the day did slow down and I started working on my good friend Jonathan’s website. Jonathan is a really good photographer and his work is unbelievable. Here is what I have so far on the site. The index page and a few pages for the galleries [1] [2] [3]. If anyone actually reads this let me know what you think.

oblivion77 @ 06:05 PM PST

Saturday I finished moving into my place and spent the night for the first time. Being Cinco De Mayo, downtown was rock’n till about 1:00am. It was really cool, I felt like I was in the middle of everything. Everywhere you looked there were people, most of then drunk though. The streets were packed and cop cars all over the place. It was kind of like carnival but with really hot drunken chicks acting crazy. I heard every Friday and Saturday night is like that in downtown so I guess I’ll have to wait till the end of the week to find out.

Today work was a really slow and boring. The highlight of the day was chatting with my new friend. I just can’t wait till next week, that’s when I get my cable modem. I don’t think I can live a week with out broadband! I don’t even have a phone line in my studio yet. I don’t think I can go on with out the Internet! Well only time will tell = )

oblivion77 @ 06:04 PM PST

Found some of my old journal entries from my old website and just thought I would post them.

11-05-00

It’s Saturday night, 11:00 and the kids are asleep and I just finished the final touches to MediaEssence.com. Normally I would be quit satisfied but tonight I’m not even close. I guess I’m having a bad day because I wasn’t invited to my daughter’s birthday party. If you ask me it pretty messed up! First of all I’m raising three kids on my own, Brianna 6, Chandler 4, Ellbie 2. My x wife left us seven months ago when she decided it was a good idea to cheat on me with my x best friend, what is up with that! The party wasn’t Brianna’s main birthday party, because she is having one Monday night. But this party was special to her and she wanted her dad to be there with her mom. The kids don’t get that much time to spend with mom so it is a special time for them.

11-19-00

When I was working today I started thinking. If something every happened to Chandra like she got paralyzed from a car accident or something where she couldn’t take care of herself anymore. I would take care of her for the rest of her life. The difference between us is obvious, Chandra would never do that for me. You know you really love someone when you would make a sacrifice like that. I know I haven’t had to make a sacrifice that big yet but I know in my heart I would do it in a second. It’s kind of sad that I don’t have anybody like that = (

11-26-00

While taking my friend home tonight I told her I was afraid of being a bad parent. I really fear that more than anything. I’m trying as hard as I can right now to give them the life they deserve. Sometimes I just start crying because of the guilt I feel. The guilt of knowing I brought theses innocent children into this world and they don’t even have a mother to love them. What I want more than anything is for my kids to look back one day and say, my dad was the best dad in the world. I just want them to grow up knowing that I’m trying as hard as I can.

I never thought I could raise three kids on my own. I also never expected to either. But I’ll tell you one thing it the biggest blessing in the world. To see your children grow up and be able to cherish every minute of it. To kiss their booboos, watching them look up at you in tears as they smile. Just knowing that you make everything better and you mean the world to them. That right there is what life is all about. Being a parent!

12-08-00

It’s 5 a.m. and I’m 10 min from launching oblivion77.com . I figured I would put something happy in my journal for once. I’m doing a lot better now and I’m off graveyard next week = ) I’ve been on graveyard for seven months now and I’m sick of it. The only bad thing is I’m going to have to work 8-hour days now instead of 10-hours days. I’m also really excited because I have a new website I’m going to be working on. www.lisapoole.com. She is a really nice model and really cute too. Well it’s time to upload this puppy to the server. Wish me luck = )

12-18-00

Well I’ve been off graveyard for about two weeks now and everything is fine and dandy. The only thing I miss is working only 4 days a week. The weekend goes so fast when you work five days a week = ( Christmas is less than one week away and I haven’t even started shopping yet, yikes! Other than that there is nothing that exciting going on in my life. Except for the same old, not getting over my x thing. I know that just takes time.

12-25-00

well it’s christmas morning 2:45am. I just got done putting together the kids bikes. It took forever and the instructions were¨ well lets just say they were probably written by a girl! See if a guy wrote them there would be allot of pictures. I don't know what they were thinking! everyone knows that guys don't read instructions. were just too smart to read them.

Christmas just hasn’t been the same this year with out Chandra. Everything is just so quite and lonely with out her. All I can say is it has been hard. When santa Claus asked Brianna what she wanted for Christmas she said, "for mommy and daddy to be together." That right there hurts deep, every time I think about what she said it makes me cry. My kids deserve the best, they deserve a family, a family that is together.

01-08-01

A lot can change in just two weeks. These last two weeks have been really confusing for me. I think I have fallen in love with the most beautiful girl in the world. When I'm with her I feel like everything is ok. Warmth in my heart she brings with every smile. She is everything a girl should be and better. I know my heart has fallen for her, but I wont let myself realize it. I'm so afraid of being hurt again; that it wouldn’t surprise me if I abandoned these feelings. Walking away like a coward from a chance to be in love again.

What really makes me sad is her parents don’t like me. I am not good enough for their little princess. No matter what I do or accomplish I will never be good enough for her in their eyes. Maybe one day that will change, maybe one day.

I went to Tijuana Saturday night for the first time. I hadn’t had that much fun in about 7 years; I felt like I was sixteen again. I would have to say the best part was a little 80's club called, "Porky’s." Actually the best part was the girl I went with, she is just so amassing.

01-17-01

Last night was one of the hardest nights I’ve had to go through. I said goodbye to one of my best friends. She has always been there for me for everything. The thing is she fell in love with me and I loved her only as a friend. I guess it was just too hard for her to accept that I only liked her as a friend. So she made me say goodbye for the last time. Together we sat there on the corner of her bed crying our hearts out to each other. Telling her I didn’t want to lose her as a friend.

There are so many memories that I’m going to have the hardest time letting go. She was the first friend that I opened up to. She knows things that I was too ashamed to tell anyone for 11 years. Even though it wasn’t my fault, it took her to help me realize it. So many nights she held me like a child as I cried in her arms. I understand how she feels because I felt the same way when Chandra left me. Chandra still wants to be friends but every time I see here I feel this great pain in my heart. One thing I have learned is you are better off with no friends. That way you never get hurt.

oblivion77 @ 01:20 PM PST

Alone I sit here by candlelight frustrated to a point where I can’t even concentrate. Frustrated with myself because of this hate that I carry inside. I try so hard to let go of all these things that overwhelm my frail heart. For some reason I just can’t let go, and the pain traverses through me like a storm. Some days it’s calm and I don’t even notice and others it just tears me apart inside.

I just can’t let go of the fact that she cheated on me with my best friend. Every time I see her this uncontrollable rage builds-up inside of me. Having to use every bit of energy to discipline myself, I end up breaking down. For days I go into this deep depression and dwindle away in my own little world. I’m just afraid one day that discipline wont be there and I’ll become the animal that I fear.

I don’t remember ever having this much hate in me before. Maybe it’s just I was never really wronged before. What I do know is that this hate is like a disease taking over and destroying everything in its path. I know that this is something I must defeat on my own and I’m determined to do so. I’m not going to live a life where I am not in control and let my weaknesses make me weaker.

oblivion77 @ 12:22 AM PST