These are just some words that I wrote down today. Nothing really special.

"Is it what I see in the mirror that makes me afraid of living this life? I seem to believe that fear is what holds me back. Holds me back from the dreams that I so desperately cry out for throughout the night. Nights pass, I stay up alone trying to figure out what I have done wrong. Maybe I never wronged and this is life’s way of testing me. A tribulation that is more than just a challenge, but more of a truth. A truth that comes out only when the heart speaks out its loudest. A truth within that is awakened when a challenge is defeated."

For anyone that may ask, I as perfectly happy =). It seems anytime I write something that could be perceived as being depressing, I get a call or an email. You know who you are, and yes you are right about everything you said. Thanks for being there for me.

oblivion77 @ 11:04 PM PST

Your probably asking yourself how the newlyweds are doing. Well to tell the truth we never got married. This was just a little prank that Diana and I thought would be funny. So if any of you still think that I’m really married, “I’m not!” I don’t think I will be getting married for a pretty long time. I still have my issues, and I don’t see them going away too soon. I hope one day I will be ready for such a commitment.

Almost all the things I wrote about in that entry were true. The only part that wasn’t was the part about going to Vegas. Diana has been more than a great friend and partner, she has been everything that I have needed. We have talked about how awesome it would be to be married one day. I just don’t think Diana or her parents would go for a Las Vegas wedding. If anything it would be a huge traditional Mexican wedding.

So I hope I didn’t bum anyone out. For the ones that sent gifts, “you can’t have them back!” That’s your fault for being so gullible =p.

oblivion77 @ 04:20 PM PST

Emotions dancing throughout this desolate night.
Searching ever so desperately for the light.
I kiss the ground that lay before me.
Thankful for this chance to be of one again.

Loneliness was once a fear that kept me from growing.
A fear that kept me in mourning.
The war is now over and I am not free.
Till that day there will be no victory.

Screaming voices shout out at me.
These visions have overwhelmed me.
Visions after visions I’ve seen the way.
Now I give myself to thee.

And when the day of truth comes.
Will you fall to your knees?
Asking forgiveness for the lives you betrayed.
Will you fall to your knees and give yourself to thee?

These cold winds blow around me.
Once again I feel this great loneliness.
I did not ask for this to be.
Where is my great victory?

-Oblivion77

oblivion77 @ 03:51 PM PST

This last six months have been real hard and I have one person that I owe a lot of thanks to. That person is Diana. The relationship we have had is kind of weird. When Diana and I first met we were planning on just being partners in design. But I guess sparks kind of flew and we ended up dating. This was a pretty new experience for me because I have never dated anyone that was so different from me. Diana really isn’t that different from me, just her family. Her family is really great, but they just do stuff different from my family. I could go for hours about all the things that I think are weird. But then again Diana thinks my family is weird.

Diana is the type of girl I probably never would have talked to in high school. Not because she is Mexican, I have a lot of friends that are Mexican. But because she is the stuck-up Mexican type, you know the girls that shop only at banana republic and Nordstrom. The girls that wont were a pair of shoes unless there over $100. I remember the first time I found out the diamonds that she wears in her ears were real. I was like, “someone might cut your ears off for those.”

When Diana and I started hanging out, I tried to be someone I was not. I think everyone does that when they want to empress someone. Ever since eighth grade I’ve been a Converse and Doc Martin type of guy. During that first month I bought a pair of Kenneth Cole shoes for $160.00. I’ve never spent that much before in my life for a pair of shoes. But I tell you this, those shoes are the most comfortable dress shoes I have ever worn. I even bought a fancy new suite and was so close to buying an armani suite.

Diana and I have been through a lot and have really been there for each other. I think Diana has been there for more of my problems. But I’ve been there a lot for hers. I think one of Diana’s biggest problems is her parents. Some would call her parents a problem and others would say she is the luckiest girl in the world, to have parents that care that much. Her problem with her parents is they cant face the reality that Diana is growing up, that she’s not a baby anymore. Its kind of funny how some parents act like that when it comes to their children growing up. I know her Dad doesn’t like me that much, more than likely because he is afraid he might lose his little girl to a guy like me.

I feel bad for Diana sometimes because of all the pressure her parents put on her. She’s now the type of girl that is willing to do something only because she wants to upset her parents. I know when her parents find out that we got married last week up in Vegas their heads are going to spin. You may have read that last sentence and said to yourself, “WHAT?” Yes, we went up to Vegas last Saturday and got married. For Diana it was more of a way to rebel from her Mom and Dad. For me it was a second chance to be whole again. Most people I know still think Diana is just my girlfriend but we have been happily married for almost a full week now. None of my family knows, but they will find out soon. They like to gossip.

We plan on having a big fancy wedding once we have the money and are ready to do that. But for now I’m quite happy being married like this. Even if I do have to take Diana home every night after we hang out =)

oblivion77 @ 04:52 PM PST

My Friend put in an entry today about how she stayed home from work today and watched Cartoon Network with her daughter. To me that is the life. I can’t wait till the kids come over on Friday night because that is when the cartoon watching starts. Normally every Friday night we order two large Pizzas from the little restaurant below my studio. Then we watch cartoons for the rest of the night on the 56 inch TV. There is something about watching cartoons on a TV that big that just fascinates me. It’s also nice having the built in surround sound too. Theirs something about hearing buttercup or bubbles kicking some serious butt in full surround sound.

There are pretty much two channels that I like to watch, Cartoon Network and Nick. I think my favorite Cartoon to watch right now is Sponge Bob square pants. Every time I watch that cartoon I just laugh and laugh. The kids also like sponge bob so it’s a definite winner. If anyone reading this has a all-time favorite cartoon feel free to share = )

P.S. my favorite Anime cartoon is, Oh my goddess! Yes I know that’s a girlie one but I cant help it, I’m in love with Belldandy

oblivion77 @ 06:08 PM PST

An awaking hidden deep inside of me.
Harvesting the forgotten memories of yesteryears.
A life once lived, a life once perceived.
So many years bestowing the love I had.
Humbly I step down knowing my battle is over.
I know I tried and that is what counts.
Sadness fills my heart to think of the wonders you’ve missed.

-Oblivion77

oblivion77 @ 02:59 PM PST

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oblivion77 @ 07:13 PM PST

Man today at work has been a real drag. Today was just one of those days where I didn’t want to be here. I hate my computer at work it sucks big time. Today I finally got my sound card working. I’ve been searching for drivers for this thing for the last five months. All I can say is onboard sound is sooooo lame. Onboard anything on a motherboard is lame. I guess that’s what happens when your company buys gateway computers.

I also thought I would post a little chat session that my good friend Maya and I had. I think she wants me, but then again all the girls want me.

eye of clarity: Your pictures you took the other day

oblivion77com: Yeah?

eye of clarity: You're sooooo hot looking.

oblivion77com: Yeah I know, I hear that a lot from the ladies.

eye of clarity: No really! You're so hot! I had to cool off with a tray of ice cubes down my pants.

oblivion77com: Really? I’ve been known to do that to girls.

eye of clarity: What I don’t understand is why you only have one girlfriend.

oblivion77com: Why do you say that?

eye of clarity: Well with your looks you could have a boatload of girls.

oblivion77com: Yeah I know, I’m always having to turn girls down left and right.

oblivion77 @ 06:22 PM PST

Cruising home from work last night I had my digital camera and thought it would be fun to take some pictures as I was driving. As you can guess I was pretty bored. Oh yeah I made sure there were no other cars on the road when I was driving. And for the ones that still think that was unsafe, I got a perfect driving record =p

[car01.jpg] [car02.jpg] [car03.jpg] [car04.jpg] [car05.jpg]

oblivion77 @ 12:16 AM PST

Well I woke up Sunday morning in kind of in a bad mood. I did a few things to piss Chandra off that maybe I shouldn’t have done. About a two weeks ago when I asked Chandra if I could cute Ellbie’s hair she said, “over my dead body!” Ellbie hasn’t had her hair cut since birth, except for the bangs. So I gave Ellbie a boy hair cut that actually turned out really cute. Next I did something that I probably should have not done. I let Brianna and Chandler pick out some hair dye to dye their hair. I know some of you might think that is mean, but I guess I’m one of those dads that will let my kids do crazy stuff like that.

I’ve been dying my hair since 7th grade, thanks to my mom being cool with it. Brianna wanted to dye hers burgundy because Chandra has always had her hair that color. Well not always, until she met me. I’ve always had a thing for girls with short burgundy hair so I convinced Chandra to cut her long sun-bleached hair and dye it. Brianna was really happy after she dyed her hair, it made her feel so pretty. Everywhere we went yesterday she told everyone, “look at my pretty hair my dad helped me dye it red.” Most of the people thought it was cute but a few thought different.

The next thing I did sounds the worst but it’s really not that bad. I dyed Chandler’s hair bright purple, he chose purple over green, good choice! Most of the people we saw yesterday thought he was totally cute. You don’t see that many four-year-olds with spiked purple hair walking down the street. I don’t feel that bad for doing his hair that color. I used a purple rinse for his hair, so it won’t last more than 10 washes.

So my weekend wasn’t too fun and I felt depressed most of the time. It was really nice having the kids there with me. Some times when they are there at my place I just wish I could be alone and then when there not I miss them so much. Like last night after I dropped them off at Chandra’s, I really missed them. I missed all of them cuddling up to me at night on my little futon. It’s funny how when they are there cuddled up next to me I don’t really like it, because I can’t get comfortable. But when they are gone I miss them wrapped up around me like snakes.

What I really miss more than anything is having a baby to cuddle up too. Anyone that has ever had a baby or even babysat for a baby knows what I’m talking about. You can just sit there for hours watching them sleep. There are so many things I miss about having a baby. The way they smell right after a bath, the way they smile when you look at them, the way they koo when you play with them. What I really miss is when the baby would start crying and I would rock her asleep in my arms. That moment when she stops crying, those last innocent little whimpers, right before she would fall asleep in my arms. That right there is the most pleasant feeling in the world. I’m just glad I was lucky enough to have three babies.

I’m also very lucky to have friends that care about me. Diana has been there for me in so many ways and I truly thank her for that. Maya and her Mom are the best. Out of all the therapy I have gotten for free, Maya’s mom has helped out the most. I know its because she has seen so much more than most of us have seen. Maya is my coolest little friend, just check out what she drew for me this weekend. [picture 1] and [picture 2]. I can’t wait to go to comic-con this year with her and Diana. Erica has been there a lot for me too and is so understanding with how I feel about myself and my problems. My brother Bill has always been there and it makes me so happy that he actually reads my website. As soon as he starts up at Harvard I’m going to take a week off and visit him in Boston.

oblivion77 @ 06:31 PM PST

I left off last not sure if I was going to go to the party. Well I did end up taking the kids with Diana and staying for the first hour. Chandra told me the other day that she wasn’t going to the party so that is why I went. As usual she lied to me and they went. I was swimming in the pool with the kids totally enjoying myself and then they show up. I pretty much just swam around with the kids pretending that I didn’t notice them for about ten minutes. I didn’t know what to do so I just got out of the pool, dried off and left, leaving the kids with Chandra.

That ten minutes pretty much killed me inside. Every bit of self-esteem I have built up over the months was gone. There are so many things that happened that just upset me so much. First my own sister likes Chandra and Christian better than she likes me? Geoff my sister’s husband was totally talking to Christian like they were buddies. First thing Geoff did was brought a beer over to Christian and shook his hand. That right there hurt deep because Geoff has never liked me. That’s when I decided that I couldn’t take it anymore and I left.

Everyone at the party knows me and knows what happened. What the hell is wrong with all of them? Everyone is acting like I’m supposed to be ok with all of this. They Know Christian was my really good friend. They know she left me for him so why don’t they get it? Has no one ever been betrayed before? Even my mom went up to Christian and was talking to him at the party.

I have a very good reason for hating him with a passion. First Chandra was sleeping around with Christian for about three months before I found out. During those three months Christian was over at my house about twice a week, hanging out with me. How can anybody live with themselves doing that to someone. Things fit together now that I know what happened. Like them always looking at each other and stuff. All three of us were friends so I didn’t think anything of it.

What really hurts is the night that Chandra never came home. I stayed up all night with Ellbie in my arms in tears. I didn’t know what happened to her so I called Christian and asked if he had seen her. This right here is why I hate him! He told me no, he hadn’t seen her. When really she was right there in his bed sleeping. It took me three weeks of constantly asking who she was going out with every night until I found out who. When I found out it was him it just blew me away. Christian was the last person I ever thought would do something as low as that.

After the party Chandra dropped the kids off at my mom’s house so I could pick them up. The rest of the day has really sucked. Right now I’m more depressed than I was when I took the three bottles of aspirin. The only good thing is I’m stronger than I was back then. Right now as I type this, Ellbie is asleep on my shoulder, that right there is just one of the three things that is keeping me here.

From my moms house Diana, the kids and I all went back to my place. We were there for about 20 min when Sonia, Jonathans girlfriend called saying they were waiting to be let in at the front door. I wasn’t expecting them to come over and I’m really glad they did. The kids had a blast playing with Sonia and Jonathan. They did everything from piggyback rides to tickling, the kids had so much fun. It’s really nice to have friends come over and visit especially when they’re as cool as Jonathan and Sonia.

Well it’s 1:15am and I’m ready to go to bed. I’m just glad tomorrow is a new day.

oblivion77 @ 01:13 AM PST

Sitting here staring at the floor in complete frustration, I wipe the tears from my eyes. Sometimes I just feel like giving up and letting go, but for some reason I just cant. If only I had the courage that I have been seeking for, for so long. The courage to let go and say good-bye one last time. The courage to rest my head ever so softly that desolate night. If only I had that courage, my pain would have ended, but for my three children theirs would have just have begun. That right there is what has been holding me back all this time.

I was in a pretty good mood today till my sister called asking me if I wanted to bring the kids to her sons 2nd birthday party. I was totally fine with it and was actually kind of excited, because she normally doesn’t invite me to anything. I remember this Christmas crying for thirty minutes strait, because she didn’t even say hi to me. She walked in the living room where everyone was including me and just pretended I wasn’t even there.

So here’s the reason why I’m so upset right now, my sister asked me to come to her sons birthday party and then said, “you don’t mind that Chandra and Christian are going to be there?” I don’t even know what to say to that, I don’t even know what to type right now.
I’m actually ok with seeing Chandra, but Christian, no way! I thought he was my friend I trusted him in my house alone with my wife, only to be stabbed in the back. It wouldn’t have hurt nearly as much if Chandra had cheated on me with someone else. But why someone I looked up to, someone I trusted and thought so much of?

So Chandra calls me tonight to notify me that Christian and her will be at the party. We argued a little bit as we usually do and then she says I’m a loser if I don’t go to the party. I’m so sick of people expecting me to be over this by now, it’s been a year and I still feel sickened every time I hear her name. Nine years is a long time, and you really can’t just forget about someone that you had three kids with. Every time I look into my kids’ eyes I see Chandra within them. The guilt eats me up inside for being a failure as a husband and a father. A real man would have been able to keep his wife and his humble life.

I’m not really sure if I should go to the party or just stay home. I haven’t seen Christian for about a year and have tried as hard as I can to avoid him. I’m not really sure what I would do if I ever got in a situation where I was alone with him. Maybe I would kick his ass, maybe I wouldn’t. I’ve never really been into fighting and have avoided it all my life. The guys at work think I’m weird because I never beat him up. But what would that prove, that I’m stronger than him? I already know I am and I have the advantage of being seriously pissed off at him.

I’ve gone through a lot of hard times in my life and done a lot of things that other people frown down upon. Diana’s brothers and mom think I’m some kind of freak because of things I written before on this site. Just so they know incase they read my site again, I am not ashamed of the pain and suffering that I have gone through. I’m not ashamed of the three empty bottles of aspirin I left on the floor that night; or that I’ve had to drink that 24OZ cup of liquid charcoal one too many times. I’m not ashamed of the fading scars on my wrists from my childhood depression. I’m not ashamed that my heart is so fragile, that I cry myself to sleep night after night holding my pillow ever so tightly. I am not ashamed…nor will I ever be.

Well its almost 12:00am and I need to get up in five hours for work. Yet another night with only five hours of sleep I must retreat.

oblivion77 @ 11:47 PM PST

Today at work was just so slow. Maybe it is because I only got 5 hours of sleep last night. But then again that’s about how much I get every night. The last couple of days I have been helping my friend Erica install and set up Graymatter. Graymatter is a set of perl scripts that are used for weblogs and online journals, like mine. I don’t know how I found Erica’s site on the web but I did. Ever since I’ve been reading about her life and chatting back and forth with her. We both pretty much work the same schedule so we end up chatting most of the workday. So if you get a chance check out Erica’s website http://www.earthbind.net/

Today after doing some final configurations to Erica’s website, I thought about my first versions of my own site, Oblivion77. I showed Erica some of my old designs, just to see what she thought. So I figured I would go ahead and post some of them. So here they are Oblivion77 Ver.1 and Oblivion77 Ver.2. I also showed Erica this lame little page I made about 9 months ago. I’m actually kind of embarrassed to show this, but here it is. Yes, I know I’m a dork, you don’t have to remind me.

Man just checked my rating at hotornot.com. I’m only hotter than 72% of men on this site! I was 87% with my cowboy picture. Maybe it’s time to take some new pictures.

oblivion77 @ 03:54 PM PST

I’ve finally got my computer back to normal. Two weeks ago I upgraded to windows 2000 and had to reload a few programs. Things were going great till my power supply inside my computer decided to go out and fry my motherboard. I haven’t had any extra money lately so this was a really bad time to happen. So I went down to the computer store just to see how much a new motherboard would be. I ended up not only getting a new board but also upgrading from a 450 mhz to a 900 mhz AMD chip and getting another 256 MB or ram.

What really surprised me was the price of ram. I only paid $49.95 for 256MB of pc-100. I remember back in the days having to walk thirty miles uphill both ways in the snow and having to pay $1.00 per MB. When the lady told me how much the ram was I was like, "what’s wrong with it?" So Altogether I paid just $250 for a big time upgrade. After I saw how fast my computer was with this new chip and I thought to myself, "I’m sure happy that my motherboard fried."

The nice thing about my computer is I built it myself. By doing that I put in everything that I wanted to put in. I could have bought a Compact or a Dell, but anyone that is tech savvy knows they put lame stuff in there. There’s not really anything that will need to be upgraded soon. My voodoo5 video card will probably be the last thing that would need to be upgrade on this computer. The funny thing is how guys used to just talk about cars and stuff like that, but now that everybody is a geek, we talk about how fast and robust are computers are.

At work we have some pretty killer Sun servers with 4Gigs of ram in each one. I bet if I had one of those servers at my place I could totally get a hot geeky girl. I’d have to carry a club around with me to beat back all the hot ladies. I don’t know why I have a thing for geeky girl but I do, I also have a thing for artistic girls, especially girls that do graphic design and web design. So if you’re a geeky or artistic girl feel free to email me your application for dating me. Lol

Right before I started writing this tonight I finished a little website that I started about 6 months ago. The site is really just a fake modeling portfolio for my son chandler who is four. I took the pictures with my digital camera about 7 months ago one night after dressing him up all cool. I know I need to get all my kid pictures back up. I took them off when I changed to the new layout and forgot to put them back up.

oblivion77 @ 08:02 PM PST

I finally updated my photo section with some Self Portraits. Some of you I have already shared these with. But for the others, let me know what you think. Today has been kind of a weird day. I woke up and felt really sick so I stayed home from work to recover. I also woke up feeling some really strong emotions. I really don?t know how to explain them but I?ll try, well here I go.

I woke up this morning feeling insecure and I knew it was still here. I?ve tried so hard to forget all of this and move on but it never seems to leave. I just wish I didn’t have to feel the emotions that are between us. This afternoon I sat here waiting, knowing the time was near. As always I could feel the loneliness and pain within your voice. It’s funny how you act like there’s something better out there when we both know the truth. I know its still here I feel it all the time. I guess that’s why I’ve never really given up on things.

oblivion77 @ 12:50 AM PST