There is this weakness inside me that wants to scream out to world these feelings that I hold deep down inside. Part of me wants everyone to know the great happiness that I feel. But I know it is just to soon for them to find out. I feel like a child keeping a secrete from a friend ever so wanting to tell them. I guess I’ll just see how long I can last with out telling a soul.

It’s kind of funny how I should be upset about this and I’ve never been happier. I fell like this is all meant to be, like its all part of the plan. In an epoch of cluttered thoughts and confusion everything all the sudden makes sense. These feelings I’ve longed-for, ever so long. The quite sound of simplicity has overcome the noise that keeps me up at night. The tears of happiness now trickle where the stream of sorrow once flowed.

oblivion77 @ 05:45 PM PST

Well I went to court up in riverside on Friday for my mandatory appearance. I got up at 4:00 am and drove 200 miles and waited in line for about an hour. Finally I got to go up and see the judge, I was so nervous. I got off with only paying $350.00 and having my license taken away for 10 days. What was funny is the bailiff actually asked for my license so I gave it too him and the judge stapled it to his paper work that he had on me. On the 26th I get to go to the DMV and get a new license.

I’m kind of glad I get to get a new license because my old one it totally out-dated. The picture is from 1993 and I’m sixteen on it. The weight says I’m 190, which I wish were true - I’m actually 275 now. I’ve actually gained weight since I started lifting weights last month. I set a goal for a year from now that I’ll weigh 350 pounds of pure muscle.

I feel like I have been so blind for years. I finally realize the key to happiness in life is having multiple girlfriends. I also realize now that the only way to get multiple chicks is to get totally buff. Once I look like the incredible hulk girls will just throw themselves at me. I know one girl in particular that is just waiting for me and that’s Maya =)

oblivion77 @ 03:34 PM PST

Twelve years I hadn’t told a soul. Twelve years I’ve been living with this pain. Twelve years I drove myself insane. I locked my heart, throwing away the key for no one to understand. I can remember like it yesterday. How I used to just sit there on your bed and watch you draw. The many talents you had, I thought you were the most amazing person. I was only 12 years old and still a child, you were 18 and knew what you were doing

I remember sitting there on the corner of your bed. Not even expecting what was about to happen. The way your hands moved down my leg. The way I squirmed when you went down on me. More than anything I was in shock and didn’t know what to do. I guess I could have said stop but everything was happening so fast. Suddenly everything came to an end with a feeling I had never felt before. Looking up at me with those trusting eyes of yours. I remember you telling me it was ok as you took your tongue and slowly cleaned me up.

Before that day I never even knew I was able to do that. Maybe I was protected just a little too much, but then again I was just twelve years old. I remember going home that day so confused not knowing what to do. It wasn’t till the next day that the guilt fell down upon me. I was changed and would never be same, for twelve years I would be the one to blame.

The shame I felt, the guilt that brought me here. Living the next twelve years in fear. I will never be the same; you forever changed me. I will never be the person I could have been. I will always feel like I am different from all of you. I remember the first time I tried to end it all; I was only thirteen. That endless cup of coal and the dreadful morning after. Double-edged and Vertical blue oh how I fell in love with you. It seemed from there on the cutting never really stopped. It was my way of dealing with the pain; it was my way of feeling sane.

I was only a child and didn’t know what to do. I had nothing to help filter out these feelings. I had no one to turn to, no one tell. Could it have been any more obvious what was happening to me? More than anything I was just trying to get someone to see. All I wanted was for someone to figure me out and tell me it would be ok. Twelve years later and the countless hours of searching I realize now I will never be ok.

oblivion77 @ 12:30 AM PST