Here I go. I had an ok childhood; I got married at the age of 16 to my first love. Six years and three kids latter she left us for my best friend. I'm now raising three kids on my own with the help of my mom. So basically I work full time and I'm a full time dad. I don't have time for a relationship, which I really wish I did. What I miss most is just having someone there for me. I try to look at the positive side of all of this as just making me a stronger person.

I was born on January 19th 1977 to a wonderful mom. A mom that has always been there for me. A mom that I can truly call a best friend. I grew up in a Mormon family of 4 sisters and 1 brother. I have a younger sister, Jenny and an older brother Billy who growing up with was my hero. With my three older sisters there is a major time gap between us. I feel more like there my mom or something. I love them too but I just didn't grow up with them like I did with my brother and sister.

My dad worked a lot and didn’t spend as much time with me. But my mom made up for it, I kind of think I am her favorite. I have always been a momma’s boy, but I think the reason why I’m my mom’s favorite is because I was in the hospital the first month of my life. For some reason I just didn’t want to breathe and I would stop a couple times a day, I guess they just jump-started me up.

Growing up I remember being happy, so happy. Then my life changed, I was 13 years old. I don’t really remember anything before that for some reason the memories faded. I don’t know what happened but I was different from everyone else, I’m still different. I remember that year was the first time I tried overdosing on pills. The worst part of it all had to be drinking the cup of coal, just the thought of it I still get this nasty taste in my mouth. It took about 30 min to drink it and the whole time I was throwing it back up. That stuff has to be the nastiest stuff in the world. All it is, is liquid charcoal in a can, about the size of a coke can 12oz. Unfortunately that wasn’t the last time I had to drink it.

Ok back to when I was 13, the next two years was just a never-ending cycle of depression, self-mutilation (cutting) and crying. Then things changed, I feel in love for the first time. A girl that made me so happy, a girl that dreams are made of, a girl named Chandra Marucci. For the first time I was happy being me, we spent all day together and all night on the phone. Everyone would come up to us and say, "you guys are the perfect couple." It was 1992 and at the time we were totally into the rude boy/ rude girl thing. We bought everything matching from flight jackets to doc martins. I remember being made fun of at high school because we wore matching pinstriped overalls. We were so cute together, I know most guys wouldn't ever wear anything matching their girl, but I've not a typical guy.

So for the next two years Chandra and I spent everyday together. Then it happened, she got pregnant with Brianna. She just turned 16 and I just turned 17, we were both so scared but I know I made Chandra feel better when I asked her to marry me. We got married on April 23rd 1994 ;-) So I dropped out of high school got a full time job and tried to be the best husband a seventeen year old could be. I think I was the happiest at that time. Another two years passed and we had Chandler in 1996 and Ellbie in 1998. Three kids before I was 22, that is so crazy when I think about it. But I would never change the road I took; I've learnt too much to regret it.

That six years was kind of ruff on me, I felt like a looser. I was only making minimum wage and working odd jobs. I was sick of being on welfare even though I was working full time and going to school full time I still felt like a looser being on it. When we had Ellbie I knew it was time to change things, I left junior college and did the smartest thing I ever did. I spent 6 months going to a trade school learning computers and networking. Also at that time I found my true love "graphic design and web developing." My friend at college showed me his personal web page he was working on and from then on I fell in love with web developing. I have always been an artist but this was something totally new to me that had no limits.

So I finished my college and got my first job at proflowers.com making $8.50 an hour. I was a little pissed because at school they promised I would be making at least $13 an hour coming out of the program. Though I don't think anyone started out more than $12. But it turned out better than I knew, I'm glad I ended up only making $8.50 an hour.

That next 11 months I went to work hating my job everyday. I hated it so much I decide to change things; I studied like crazy for my MCSE and then studied like crazy to learn Linux. In two months of studying I learned more than I did the whole time at college. I guess I really had my heart to it. The whole time Chandra never believed in me. When I wanted to go to the trade school she didn't want me to because she believe I couldn’t make anything out of it.

Well as you can guess that studying did pay off, I put out my resume and Tachyon.net called me for an interview to be a technical support rep. The interview went well and I new I had the job because they said, "When can you start." I said, "when ever you want me to!" I forgot to even ask how much I was getting paid; at the time I didn't care I just wanted a place where I could use my skills.

So I come home to tell Chandra and my Mom that I got the job, they ask, "how much are you making?" I said, "I forgot to ask." So I call my boss at my new job expecting to be making $15 an hour and she say to me, " Is 43 thousand ok with you?" My mouth dropped to the floor when she said that. At that time I was only 22 and had a year left till I was done with my bachelors. So I felt like the Man! After that I walked into the living room with the biggest grin on my face. My mom was saying, "How much, how much are you making?" I just smiled and said 43 thousand and started hugging my mom. At the time Chandra wasn't that excited, all she said is "Cool, you just got lucky." Now that I think about it I think she was already cheating on me with Christian, one of my best friends, that looser!

Then things changed not even two weeks at my new job I find out that Chandra is cheating on me with Christian. It destroyed me; it literally destroyed me. Brian died that day, I know longer know him, I am a different person now. "That probably sounded a bit psycho, but basically what I'm saying is every bit of self-esteem I built up from the time I met Chandra was gone." Those feelings from when I was 13 years old all came back. I ended up taking three bottles of aspirin, and went to bed.

45 minutes latter I started feeling the worst pain in my stomach I have ever felt. I got really scarred, my mom could hear me moaning so she came down stairs to where I was and saw the empty bottles on the kitchen counter, she then rushed me to the hospital. That was the first time I had to get my stomach pumped, I then had all theses test taking on me, because they said aspirin is one of the worst things to try to o.d. on. I guess it will kill you by just eating your stomach away; I'm lucky they got it out of my system before it did any internal damage. I'm lucky to be here right now.

The next week had to be the worst of all, I got sent to a crazy house with a bunch of really crazy people that were gross. This one black guy was stealing all the girls panties out of their rooms and masturbating with them. Then he would go up to the girls and throw the panties covered in sperm at them. That guy was seriously messed up in the head. People like that should be locked up in solitary confinement. So I was at this rehab/crazy place for a week and my mom told my work that I was in the hospital with stomach problems. When I got home Chandra didn't even call to see how I was. She had already moved out into a new apartment and abandoned the kids with my mom. As soon as I saw the kids I thought to myself how could I ever have done that? I love them more than anything and I still can't believe I tried taking my own life.

So from then on I decided that the kids should have at least one good parent. So I have been raising them on my own for the last six months. I work the graveyard right now watching the systems at work and get about 4 to 5 hours sleep a day. It's hard but it is worth being able to make a difference in their life. Even though at times I just feel like giving up, I think to myself they already lost one parent too many.